[ Ah. He knew. She drops her eyes as she takes the glass, nodding the once. Putting it to her lips.
Goes on, after she swallows. This was not two people who had made talking, but she hoped at least, one ruler to another, they both understood the complications like this. ]
Yes. But he is not alone. I know there must have been another, from the way Stoker talked... [ Another mouthful, a deeper one. She needed it. Because she felt awful, how this just kept coming back. ] So I must speak plainly, forgive me, but I trust it was not you? I can scarce imagine anyone I know doing such things so it seems I must ask everyone... I hope you know I mean you no dishonour, you are a priest and a king, and you carry a sword, so I must imagine you are a warrior too.
[ Because she truly did not understand, how it was violence work amongst others. The choices around it. What would bring someone to it? ]
It was not. I had spoken to him once, and it was try to to understand why he viewed you as he did. If he was likely to lash out at someone else in the future. But speaking was all we did, and not face to face.
[ Anduin's brow furrows lightly. ]
I knew it was not what you would have wanted, and it was not my place to act on your behalf without your asking.
I am glad to hear you say so. My people are sworn to neutrality, to peace in the face of all other struggles. I grow sick at the thought of ever touching a weapon or doing harm to others... and to have it done in my name... I...
[ Another mouthful. She has kept this as well she can, inside of herself. Sliding her eyes away. She has promised herself, she is done crying over Tim Stoker and the things that happened because of him.
She would be steady now. ]
I tried talking to him myself when he was in trouble due to another matter. But he would only dismiss me, accuse me most cruelly still, and I could bear I think, any insult to myself as well I must, but to hear everything I have grown up around being distorted by his fear... I could not stand to hear it any longer. I told him I hope the suffering in his heart would one day ease, and to never speak to me again. Then... well, Master Frye was... with him. As a punishment.
He is... I knew also that... Stoker is a... a pain in him, but he is only cruel when he is afraid. Nor is he cruel simply to be cruel. He just refuses to see anything but the way he knows it.
[ That was all that could be said. ]
... He warned me of this. He accused me first of sending people after him on purpose. I managed to make him see that I would never do such a thing, but when he did, he said that an Submissive would suffer for striking out against him, as is the laws here.
[ Anduin sighs, taking a drink himself after a moment. ]
While I don't approve of his notions about non-humans, so long as he does his best to stay clear of them of his own accord...I can't see what more would help. Certainly continuing to attack him on the street won't do anything but make him feel more in the right.
He is. I do not like it. I will never like violence, but I know he is. No less as a Dominant over Submissives, which is what he said as much about.
[ She keeps her eyes lowered. Her tone as neutral as possible, trying to find the words she wants. ]
I know I seem foolish, to most of you. The worlds you come from, the lives you all live. I am not - I am not accustomed to the - the direct manner of dealings it seems many are. I know that for... for many I have met here, their lives have not been kind and I would never judge a man for what he must do to survive with such an understanding with life. For surely even my great ancestor fought himself when it was needed....
... But I will not be the excuse for more of it. I intend to make myself to clear to all I know.
Wanting peace is never foolish. And to my understanding that is all you have ever asked for.
[ At times it does seem a futile yearning. But he'll never stop trying. And despite her often-times timid demeanor, he feels that same determination in her when she speaks.
Gentleness is not weakness, after all. ]
When I spoke to him, it seemed that while he has no intention on changing his mind on non-humans, he does try to avoid them, and thus conflict. I agreed that for now, that is likely the best option. Whether or not he finds peace in his own heart is not up to us, but we can plan accordingly.
[ Another nod, another sip. Swallowing down slowly. She was going to need at least a bottle of wine to get through the rest of these conversations and this week, as it turns out. ]
I had never heard these terms since I came here. Monster, man, mortal, human, not human. We simply call them Spirits and the Bound and Unbound.
Your people are wiser than most. These divides tend to run deep, with cycles of vengeance and fear that go so far back it's hard to recall where they actually began.
[ He's keeping an eye on her glass. It's not overfull, but it looks like she might be making her way through it more quickly than he anticipated. ]
I wish I could say his way of thinking was unpopular. But it's something I've had to combat in my own kingdom, as well. Among my own people.
Are we? When I come here and am rendered childlike to the world, to as you say, things that are common to everyone else? A ruler is supposed to be ready to face everything, be ready for eventualities. But left on my own, I am a little girl left playing dress up in things I was never ready to know in this way -
[ She ought to slow down, ought to think better of it. But she has - a week. A week that has exhausted her through and through. ]
... Forgive me, I am... it has been exhausting. I am... I am very, very...
You've only ever known your own way, and that of your people. But the world telling you you're wrong, or that you're naïve or that you should be like them...it doesn't make it so.
You are a light in the darkness. And that's no easy burden to carry.
[ He thinks for a moment to reach out to her, before gripping his glass a little more tightly instead. ]
It's alright to be tired, and to let yourself feel these things. In time, you'll be able to reconcile them, and you'll be stronger for it. I believe that.
You possess an incredible strength in you, Gilia. Don't let anyone tell you it's a weakness.
[ It's as light as her voice can make it without showing the crack and straining under it, heartfelt and far too much of herself as to be shameful of any ruler. It hurts, it hurts in a way that it ought not. Perhaps would be comforting if she were not the woman she was. had not lived the life she had. Meeting his eyes, tears half-formed that she blinks away as quickly as she can. ]
... I do not feel very strong at all. I feel I will break at any moment, into so many pieces they shall never find all of them to put me back together again.
[ She does not. Not to drink, not to distract, but this is how she must hold herself together. Perfectly poised. Unaffected. Reserved. A painting of a woman upon a throne, and she must always remain so. ]
What does not? If I began with it all, I fear it should pour out of me, and then what will I be?
[ It was a sentiment he could understand. It felt as if bending would be the first step in breaking, that flinching for a moment meant everything would crumble away. ]
You can only be yourself. And you can only do as much as you can. We're mortal and fallible, despite ourselves. Would you think less of me if I spoke of such things to you?
Never, my lord, you must know how well I think of you.
[ How readily she had poured it from her lips, into his. How gladly and achingly she held him. He is the type of ruler she knows her mother wished for in her daughter. It was not fair, and she hoped only to learn to be a better ruler near to him, so when she returned, she could make right the wrongs she had done for being so weak. ]
I do not have the words for it.. Perhaps that is the fault too. We are taught never to express anything, you see? No happiness, no sorrow. To be as a cliff. So now... I never learned. Perhaps that is the problem too, I never learned to do much of many things that are expected of me. Not here, not at home, not even as a child.
You were like me. A little too unready for everything that fell on your shoulders.
[ And how overwhelming it had been. How certain he'd been that he would fail in all the ways that matter. He can see that same fear in her, of not measure up to the expectations thrust upon her, but the challenges here in the city are nowhere near what would have been expected at home.
Who would address a queen the way Tim Stoker had? ]
That isn't a failing. What we are now is not who we will always be. Life shapes us and changes us, and we learn and grow, even in the most difficult of situations. Simply because you do not know now all that you think you should doesn't mean you never will. And I expect we will learn things here that we might never have otherwise. There's no shame in that.
[ Expression earnest, he finally reaches for her, to clasp a hand gently against hers where it gripped her glass. ]
It's alright to be afraid, to be uncertain. What we must remember is that we are not alone. You are not alone.
I was not supposed to rule. But I was... my brother, the previous Second-Child... he... he did something. Something so severe, we call Treason. He had to be... I... I filled his place.
[ She stays fixed staring at Anduin's hand. It's safe, it is as he said, she is not alone. Jack promised that, Anduin promised that, Huaisang promised that. She was not alone, and they would forgive her, for her failings. Her mistakes as a woman and as a ruler. Perhaps if she did not look at them, if she focused on that point of contact, it would to be so much. She would not feel so loathsome. ]
I promise it is not that... that I think you... or that I am... [ Muddled. So hard to put together in a way that does not feel shameful. ] I am... forgive me, I am so unskilled at this. Speaking of myself.
[ There is a moment, where she looks up, up at him, his trusting features, the kindness in his eyes and his mouth and that way he...
She couldn't. The words would not come. Formed them, held them. She could just say it. Just one word. To say something, anything at all, to let it out of her chest. ]
I am... I am sorry, I cannot... It... it's too...
[ herself, these things she must keep as locked down as tightly as possible. Or nothing good would happen. Something terrible. Terrible as all the other choices in her life had been until she came to this place. ]
[ It takes her a second, pressing her teeth against themselves as hard as she could, centering herself on that ache. Her mother would be ashamed of her if she had any idea.
Not at all. I just wish there was more I could do.
[ His hands lower, offered palms up, for her to rest her own against. Then his eyes close, and he calls the words from his heart as a solemn prayer. Safeguard her against her doubts and fears, allow her to feel certain and sure in this troubled city.
That glow encircles him briefly, before passing through his fingers and into her in a warm, comforting wash. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ He lets out a sigh, before nodding and bringing the glasses over. One for each of them. ]
Yes, I was aware. I'd spoken to him and I think he understands why he shouldn't have. Though I don't know if that will discourage him in the future.
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Goes on, after she swallows. This was not two people who had made talking, but she hoped at least, one ruler to another, they both understood the complications like this. ]
Yes. But he is not alone. I know there must have been another, from the way Stoker talked... [ Another mouthful, a deeper one. She needed it. Because she felt awful, how this just kept coming back. ] So I must speak plainly, forgive me, but I trust it was not you? I can scarce imagine anyone I know doing such things so it seems I must ask everyone... I hope you know I mean you no dishonour, you are a priest and a king, and you carry a sword, so I must imagine you are a warrior too.
[ Because she truly did not understand, how it was violence work amongst others. The choices around it. What would bring someone to it? ]
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[ Anduin's brow furrows lightly. ]
I knew it was not what you would have wanted, and it was not my place to act on your behalf without your asking.
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[ Another mouthful. She has kept this as well she can, inside of herself. Sliding her eyes away. She has promised herself, she is done crying over Tim Stoker and the things that happened because of him.
She would be steady now. ]
I tried talking to him myself when he was in trouble due to another matter. But he would only dismiss me, accuse me most cruelly still, and I could bear I think, any insult to myself as well I must, but to hear everything I have grown up around being distorted by his fear... I could not stand to hear it any longer. I told him I hope the suffering in his heart would one day ease, and to never speak to me again. Then... well, Master Frye was... with him. As a punishment.
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Jacob is a good man, but he would take nothing from him he did not care to, punishment or no. I had faith he knew how to handle him.
[ While he does feel badly for him, all the same. He wishes there were more he could do, but...well. There are many things he wishes.
He'll do what he can, where he can. For all of them. ]
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[ That was all that could be said. ]
... He warned me of this. He accused me first of sending people after him on purpose. I managed to make him see that I would never do such a thing, but when he did, he said that an Submissive would suffer for striking out against him, as is the laws here.
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[ Anduin sighs, taking a drink himself after a moment. ]
While I don't approve of his notions about non-humans, so long as he does his best to stay clear of them of his own accord...I can't see what more would help. Certainly continuing to attack him on the street won't do anything but make him feel more in the right.
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[ She keeps her eyes lowered. Her tone as neutral as possible, trying to find the words she wants. ]
I know I seem foolish, to most of you. The worlds you come from, the lives you all live. I am not - I am not accustomed to the - the direct manner of dealings it seems many are. I know that for... for many I have met here, their lives have not been kind and I would never judge a man for what he must do to survive with such an understanding with life. For surely even my great ancestor fought himself when it was needed....
... But I will not be the excuse for more of it. I intend to make myself to clear to all I know.
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[ At times it does seem a futile yearning. But he'll never stop trying. And despite her often-times timid demeanor, he feels that same determination in her when she speaks.
Gentleness is not weakness, after all. ]
When I spoke to him, it seemed that while he has no intention on changing his mind on non-humans, he does try to avoid them, and thus conflict. I agreed that for now, that is likely the best option. Whether or not he finds peace in his own heart is not up to us, but we can plan accordingly.
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I had never heard these terms since I came here. Monster, man, mortal, human, not human. We simply call them Spirits and the Bound and Unbound.
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[ He's keeping an eye on her glass. It's not overfull, but it looks like she might be making her way through it more quickly than he anticipated. ]
I wish I could say his way of thinking was unpopular. But it's something I've had to combat in my own kingdom, as well. Among my own people.
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[ She ought to slow down, ought to think better of it. But she has - a week. A week that has exhausted her through and through. ]
... Forgive me, I am... it has been exhausting. I am... I am very, very...
I find myself at odds with Mister Stoker.
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You are a light in the darkness. And that's no easy burden to carry.
[ He thinks for a moment to reach out to her, before gripping his glass a little more tightly instead. ]
It's alright to be tired, and to let yourself feel these things. In time, you'll be able to reconcile them, and you'll be stronger for it. I believe that.
You possess an incredible strength in you, Gilia. Don't let anyone tell you it's a weakness.
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[ It's as light as her voice can make it without showing the crack and straining under it, heartfelt and far too much of herself as to be shameful of any ruler. It hurts, it hurts in a way that it ought not. Perhaps would be comforting if she were not the woman she was. had not lived the life she had. Meeting his eyes, tears half-formed that she blinks away as quickly as she can. ]
... I do not feel very strong at all. I feel I will break at any moment, into so many pieces they shall never find all of them to put me back together again.
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What is it that you feel will break you?
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What does not? If I began with it all, I fear it should pour out of me, and then what will I be?
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You can only be yourself. And you can only do as much as you can. We're mortal and fallible, despite ourselves. Would you think less of me if I spoke of such things to you?
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[ How readily she had poured it from her lips, into his. How gladly and achingly she held him. He is the type of ruler she knows her mother wished for in her daughter. It was not fair, and she hoped only to learn to be a better ruler near to him, so when she returned, she could make right the wrongs she had done for being so weak. ]
I do not have the words for it.. Perhaps that is the fault too. We are taught never to express anything, you see? No happiness, no sorrow. To be as a cliff. So now... I never learned. Perhaps that is the problem too, I never learned to do much of many things that are expected of me. Not here, not at home, not even as a child.
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[ And how overwhelming it had been. How certain he'd been that he would fail in all the ways that matter. He can see that same fear in her, of not measure up to the expectations thrust upon her, but the challenges here in the city are nowhere near what would have been expected at home.
Who would address a queen the way Tim Stoker had? ]
That isn't a failing. What we are now is not who we will always be. Life shapes us and changes us, and we learn and grow, even in the most difficult of situations. Simply because you do not know now all that you think you should doesn't mean you never will. And I expect we will learn things here that we might never have otherwise. There's no shame in that.
[ Expression earnest, he finally reaches for her, to clasp a hand gently against hers where it gripped her glass. ]
It's alright to be afraid, to be uncertain. What we must remember is that we are not alone. You are not alone.
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[ She stays fixed staring at Anduin's hand. It's safe, it is as he said, she is not alone. Jack promised that, Anduin promised that, Huaisang promised that. She was not alone, and they would forgive her, for her failings. Her mistakes as a woman and as a ruler. Perhaps if she did not look at them, if she focused on that point of contact, it would to be so much. She would not feel so loathsome. ]
I promise it is not that... that I think you... or that I am... [ Muddled. So hard to put together in a way that does not feel shameful. ] I am... forgive me, I am so unskilled at this. Speaking of myself.
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[ He is here. He is not going anywhere. ]
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She couldn't. The words would not come. Formed them, held them. She could just say it. Just one word. To say something, anything at all, to let it out of her chest. ]
I am... I am sorry, I cannot... It... it's too...
[ herself, these things she must keep as locked down as tightly as possible. Or nothing good would happen. Something terrible. Terrible as all the other choices in her life had been until she came to this place. ]
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I understand.
[ One day, perhaps. But in her own time. It wasn't something one could force if they weren't ready. ]
Would you accept a blessing, then? To help bolster your spirits.
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Of a lot more than this, granted. ]
Please, you are too kind.
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[ His hands lower, offered palms up, for her to rest her own against. Then his eyes close, and he calls the words from his heart as a solemn prayer. Safeguard her against her doubts and fears, allow her to feel certain and sure in this troubled city.
That glow encircles him briefly, before passing through his fingers and into her in a warm, comforting wash. ]
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