[No doubt, it is blasphemy. No doubt, to want to give up everything just for one glimpse of him in the next life, beyond this place, should have her damned.
Yet, still. She felt it to be true. ]
Forgive me, I did not mean to worry you. I have spent so long trying to imagine what I will say... I suppose what I... I mean is that... Even what may be a moment, it could sustain me for a lifetime.
[Her head tilts, catching his hand to kiss his palm. ]
[Her eyes drop, the last thing she wants is for him to be guilty. Whatever the reason it had happened, she knew he had never wanted to leave her. Clear a moment she doesn't want to say, biting the side of her lip to finally answer. Soft and little. ]
[That at least, she shakes her head for. No, not alone. ]
Many. Many, came. I was not alone for long, no matter how poor company I was. Jacob coaxed me out of the house, and Duke would not let me stay in bed. I promise, I was not allowed to stay in loneliness.
[ He knows, perhaps better than most, that she tried as hard as she could to always learn what people were talking about. She was so removed, so far behind, and so unlearned on what people considered simple notions, that she struggled with the beginnings of things - no less about medicine and conditions of body. ]
I just woke up, and you would not. In my home, when someone does that, death follows. I... lost control, for awhile.
[Still mourning Jack, never having having processed Dirk's departure? To wake to that?
She had lost much hold of anything. ]
They were worried for you, so they took you from me, for awhile. Until I could clean the house, settle myself. Until they were sure I understood death was not certain simply for your Co-ma.
[To an extent, because those little strands drifted above her head still, the pain of it all leaking through. ]
[ Gilia might not have the learning he does, but she's no fool. Her emotions welled to the surface and she would have been neigh incapable of hearing whatever crumbs of logic were offered to her, knowing only what she knew.
His fingers curl around hers, drawing one hand to his lips in reverent apology. ]
I've seen to a number of people in the city who've fallen under such a sleep. I could have better prepared you, and for that I am sorry.
She looks up from his gentle kiss as he wraps her hand tightly, kindly, being that shade of herself that she knew too well. ]
No, my love, no, you did nothing wrong. [ Her hand squeezes his fondly a moment. ] Tell me, if at that moment, it had been you who had woken, and I had not? Waking to me, breathing, and yet no matter how you called, I did not answer? To see me lay like the dead lie and yet no matter what you did, I would not rise? There is nothing for it, and all the words in the world would not have made me ready for such a sight.
Truthfully, it is not that she expected him to wake, and all to be well. How could it? He had been home, forgotten her in doing so, and then came back so suddenly. He would need time, care, space to right himself and how he felt. It felt wrong to expect anything at all from him, so she would not.
... It just felt off, in a way she could not place. But it was not... her business to dig, if ever. She was his wife, a duty as much as love, to see him well, and give him what he needed, and to that task, she had endless devotion. He needed support from waking up, right now, and she would give it.
So she lets it lie, just the same. Squeezing his hand instead, clearing her throat a little before she moves on just the same. ]
The snow kept falling, so all else has gone to sleep I am afraid. But Duke has been having a grand time, getting himself into all sorts of a mess that has kept me busy. Drying him off every time he comes back bounding inside so pleased with himself.
He seems more interested in staying by your side, truth be told.
[ For which he is grateful. She did not have to be here alone, and even when all the others had departed she would have still had him as a stalwart companion, to keep watch alongside her. ]
We should...take him for a walk together. Later on.
[ How could he begrudge her that? Her heart has room for compassion like few he's ever met, and he's never doubted once the depth of her affection and love for him. He'd refuse her nothing.
Anduin parts his lips, halts, thinks better of something and shakes his head. ]
[ The first answer, is the one they are both guilty of giving. Nothing, nothing at all. Too ready to pretend like they never want for anything.
But how they both have learned, often, they feel they do not have permission to want much of anything. Ingrained so deeply it takes a toll.
Still, it takes a moment, where she opens her mouth - to say something, anything, and it falters like a baby deer on new steps. Perhaps because it is such a new thing. Stopping, starting, and has to laugh a moment at how ridiculous it is, turning back to him. Reaching up to cup his cheek, smooth back his fine gold hair, fine as silk, away over his ear. ]
Stay with me? A few days. Just us? With Jacob? [ Open, closed, and the guilt wells as immediately. What a dreadful, needy, little bird she is, cawing out the nest like a half-starved youngling. Her teeth click, biting her lip in the apology they both no doubt know she must make. ] I do not begrudge you your work in the hospice, and the hours you spend in your work and your duties, you know I never shall and I try muchly to never ask for more. I am sorry to ask at all. But - all I have longed for, wished for, prayed for, was you to come back. I ask only for a day, perhaps two, where I do not have to share, us, this, with all the world. I know my selfishness of you is wrong, and I have done scarce enough to deserve such requests, but it is all my heart desires, if I am to speak truthfully. And if that is desirous to you as well, then I have nought else but ask: please, my love? Please stay in my company with no one else to call on us?
[ And as she speaks, he can feel his heart sinking with each word. The pain in her voice, the self-conscious tug, as if she were ashamed to ask such a small thing of him. ]
Why are you sorry to ask?
[ He's not sure why that comes out, before anything else. Desperation, perhaps. Knowing that him being asleep all this time hasn't...hasn't damaged things between them. ]
[ Her eyes flick between his and gives then a little falter of a laugh.
Should she tell him? One day? Do what Jon had told her, to share the pain of how she had been treated with him?
One day, and maybe soon. But it did not bare much time right now, so she breaks it down to the smallest parts first. Because the last thing she ever wanted was for his face to fall like that. ]
Because I love you, but I am not the only one, and I... Guilt comes easy to me, so does... So does my low opinion of my importance to another. Sometimes it is... It is hard to imagine that... I should be wanted as I want others.
[ His hand slips upwards to cup her cheek, to draw her near. It helps to push away his own troubled thoughts, knowing that she needs him. That he must still do all he can to prove to her how much she truly mattered to him. ]
[The tears well up again, unbidden then. Turning her head to kiss his palm as she reaches for him in return. ]
And I, you. I've been so lost without you too... You are the only person who I do not feel like I am a burden too, who doesn't make me feel... feel stupid and little and... You help it all... all make sense...
You are never a burden to me. Not once. Not ever. Light willing, I would spend the rest of my life if it meant proving how much you mean to me. You are wise, and strong, and worthy of far more than you've ever given yourself credit for.
[ There, the barest crease of a smile. ]
Often I am the one who feels unworthy of you. So here we are. Fools in love, I suppose. So desperate for one another's happiness that we doubt our own capacity to provide it.
I can play at it? Pretend I am very serious, very dour. Never smile and always seem like I know what I am doing?
[ Which is ruined surely, by the tired smile that crinkles the corner of her eyes. ]
Alright, but a bath first, then laying about. I did my best to keep you clean while you slept - but I do not how to tell you, but you are quite the wall of muscles to move about.
[ There is a firm tug, that is her own indication, she is going to be stubborn on the matter. ]
[ She'll find no resistance in him, all too happy to comply at the mention of a bath. How long had it been since he'd felt something so soothing?
Though he tries to push all that down, he truly does. As they pass through the house he recalls with perfect clarity, everything exactly where it was when he left, save some things that must have been moved or set to one side to escape the damp. He peels himself out of his clothing with ease, though he does check his wrists briefly for bruising from the chains.
[ Thankfully for all the damage she had done, to begin with, the same gifts meant she could remove all the water just as quickly. Now was just the endless cleaning from the stains left behind. Perhaps that was a relief, having something to do all the time.
As he gets undressed, she goes about running the water for the bath. Warm, thick with bubbles until they're a dense white foam, and the scent of oils to help soften his skin, brushes, because she intends of making sure that every little bit of him was back, safe and sound. Maybe then her heart would stop beating so hard in her chest.
Though, it is not the intention particularly to seduce him. Yes, her eyes linger when she finds him undressed, he was so painfully handsome to her she doesn't think she won't ever have a different reaction to just looking at him. But. Not the time. Her eyes flick back up to his face and lift a hand to lead him to the bathroom, letting him get into the water, settle and be comfortable. Doesn't undress, just goes about getting soap for him, and bringing it back to balance on the edge for him to use, briefly checking he could have anything he asked for within reach. Maybe he'd like a warm drink too? ]
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Yet, still. She felt it to be true. ]
Forgive me, I did not mean to worry you. I have spent so long trying to imagine what I will say... I suppose what I... I mean is that... Even what may be a moment, it could sustain me for a lifetime.
[Her head tilts, catching his hand to kiss his palm. ]
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...how long was I asleep?
[ How long had she waited, and wondered? ]
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... 21 days.
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[ Yet, he knows what her devotion is like. He fears, all the same, that she has been trapped here in a home with him. Still and unresponsive. ]
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Many. Many, came. I was not alone for long, no matter how poor company I was. Jacob coaxed me out of the house, and Duke would not let me stay in bed. I promise, I was not allowed to stay in loneliness.
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Tell me what happened.
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[ He knows, perhaps better than most, that she tried as hard as she could to always learn what people were talking about. She was so removed, so far behind, and so unlearned on what people considered simple notions, that she struggled with the beginnings of things - no less about medicine and conditions of body. ]
I just woke up, and you would not. In my home, when someone does that, death follows. I... lost control, for awhile.
[Still mourning Jack, never having having processed Dirk's departure? To wake to that?
She had lost much hold of anything. ]
They were worried for you, so they took you from me, for awhile. Until I could clean the house, settle myself. Until they were sure I understood death was not certain simply for your Co-ma.
[To an extent, because those little strands drifted above her head still, the pain of it all leaking through. ]
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[ Gilia might not have the learning he does, but she's no fool. Her emotions welled to the surface and she would have been neigh incapable of hearing whatever crumbs of logic were offered to her, knowing only what she knew.
His fingers curl around hers, drawing one hand to his lips in reverent apology. ]
I've seen to a number of people in the city who've fallen under such a sleep. I could have better prepared you, and for that I am sorry.
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She looks up from his gentle kiss as he wraps her hand tightly, kindly, being that shade of herself that she knew too well. ]
No, my love, no, you did nothing wrong. [ Her hand squeezes his fondly a moment. ] Tell me, if at that moment, it had been you who had woken, and I had not? Waking to me, breathing, and yet no matter how you called, I did not answer? To see me lay like the dead lie and yet no matter what you did, I would not rise? There is nothing for it, and all the words in the world would not have made me ready for such a sight.
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[ But he won't insist on fault for it, at the very least. That helps nothing, and so he lets it drop, squeezing her hand back gently. ]
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Truthfully, it is not that she expected him to wake, and all to be well. How could it? He had been home, forgotten her in doing so, and then came back so suddenly. He would need time, care, space to right himself and how he felt. It felt wrong to expect anything at all from him, so she would not.
... It just felt off, in a way she could not place. But it was not... her business to dig, if ever. She was his wife, a duty as much as love, to see him well, and give him what he needed, and to that task, she had endless devotion. He needed support from waking up, right now, and she would give it.
So she lets it lie, just the same. Squeezing his hand instead, clearing her throat a little before she moves on just the same. ]
The snow kept falling, so all else has gone to sleep I am afraid. But Duke has been having a grand time, getting himself into all sorts of a mess that has kept me busy. Drying him off every time he comes back bounding inside so pleased with himself.
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[ For which he is grateful. She did not have to be here alone, and even when all the others had departed she would have still had him as a stalwart companion, to keep watch alongside her. ]
We should...take him for a walk together. Later on.
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[ As she would, to be able to go about her day with him there. ]
... But first, I am going to look after you. You'll forgive me, I hope, my fussing.
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[ How could he begrudge her that? Her heart has room for compassion like few he's ever met, and he's never doubted once the depth of her affection and love for him. He'd refuse her nothing.
Anduin parts his lips, halts, thinks better of something and shakes his head. ]
Gilia, if there's anything I can do...
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But how they both have learned, often, they feel they do not have permission to want much of anything. Ingrained so deeply it takes a toll.
Still, it takes a moment, where she opens her mouth - to say something, anything, and it falters like a baby deer on new steps. Perhaps because it is such a new thing. Stopping, starting, and has to laugh a moment at how ridiculous it is, turning back to him. Reaching up to cup his cheek, smooth back his fine gold hair, fine as silk, away over his ear. ]
Stay with me? A few days. Just us? With Jacob? [ Open, closed, and the guilt wells as immediately. What a dreadful, needy, little bird she is, cawing out the nest like a half-starved youngling. Her teeth click, biting her lip in the apology they both no doubt know she must make. ] I do not begrudge you your work in the hospice, and the hours you spend in your work and your duties, you know I never shall and I try muchly to never ask for more. I am sorry to ask at all. But - all I have longed for, wished for, prayed for, was you to come back. I ask only for a day, perhaps two, where I do not have to share, us, this, with all the world. I know my selfishness of you is wrong, and I have done scarce enough to deserve such requests, but it is all my heart desires, if I am to speak truthfully. And if that is desirous to you as well, then I have nought else but ask: please, my love? Please stay in my company with no one else to call on us?
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Why are you sorry to ask?
[ He's not sure why that comes out, before anything else. Desperation, perhaps. Knowing that him being asleep all this time hasn't...hasn't damaged things between them. ]
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Should she tell him? One day? Do what Jon had told her, to share the pain of how she had been treated with him?
One day, and maybe soon. But it did not bare much time right now, so she breaks it down to the smallest parts first. Because the last thing she ever wanted was for his face to fall like that. ]
Because I love you, but I am not the only one, and I... Guilt comes easy to me, so does... So does my low opinion of my importance to another. Sometimes it is... It is hard to imagine that... I should be wanted as I want others.
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[ His hand slips upwards to cup her cheek, to draw her near. It helps to push away his own troubled thoughts, knowing that she needs him. That he must still do all he can to prove to her how much she truly mattered to him. ]
I would be lost without you.
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And I, you. I've been so lost without you too... You are the only person who I do not feel like I am a burden too, who doesn't make me feel... feel stupid and little and... You help it all... all make sense...
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You are never a burden to me. Not once. Not ever. Light willing, I would spend the rest of my life if it meant proving how much you mean to me. You are wise, and strong, and worthy of far more than you've ever given yourself credit for.
[ There, the barest crease of a smile. ]
Often I am the one who feels unworthy of you. So here we are. Fools in love, I suppose. So desperate for one another's happiness that we doubt our own capacity to provide it.
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Instead leaning up on her toes to peck him warmly. ]
A pair of fools, then, fumbling our way through. I shall keep your secret if you keep mine?
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[ His smile takes on a more weary light, before he nods back towards the couch in the living room. ]
Come. Tell me what's happened while I was away.
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[ Which is ruined surely, by the tired smile that crinkles the corner of her eyes. ]
Alright, but a bath first, then laying about. I did my best to keep you clean while you slept - but I do not how to tell you, but you are quite the wall of muscles to move about.
[ There is a firm tug, that is her own indication, she is going to be stubborn on the matter. ]
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Though he tries to push all that down, he truly does. As they pass through the house he recalls with perfect clarity, everything exactly where it was when he left, save some things that must have been moved or set to one side to escape the damp. He peels himself out of his clothing with ease, though he does check his wrists briefly for bruising from the chains.
Thankfully, none remains. ]
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As he gets undressed, she goes about running the water for the bath. Warm, thick with bubbles until they're a dense white foam, and the scent of oils to help soften his skin, brushes, because she intends of making sure that every little bit of him was back, safe and sound. Maybe then her heart would stop beating so hard in her chest.
Though, it is not the intention particularly to seduce him. Yes, her eyes linger when she finds him undressed, he was so painfully handsome to her she doesn't think she won't ever have a different reaction to just looking at him. But. Not the time. Her eyes flick back up to his face and lift a hand to lead him to the bathroom, letting him get into the water, settle and be comfortable. Doesn't undress, just goes about getting soap for him, and bringing it back to balance on the edge for him to use, briefly checking he could have anything he asked for within reach. Maybe he'd like a warm drink too? ]
Did you need anything else?
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