[ The trappings of Anders' tale are unfamiliar to him -- the Chantry, the systematic oppression of mages, the merging of spirits -- but everything else rings tragically familiar. Anders has lived with this feeling for far longer than he has, far more intimately. It's not a competition, but it speaks to the hardships he's endured in his life, and the wisdom he must have earned from having come this far.
Though Anduin had witnessed hate, oppression, suspicion, and abuse...that was not the life he'd lived. Even as a prisoner of war, he'd not known a fraction of the horrors that others endured on a day-to-day basis. Only now has it become more than principle, but deeply personal.
He knows in his heart Anders speaks true. He must be better. He has to maintain this course no matter how difficult it proves, no matter how his spirit rallies against what he sees in front of him. The most vital battle must be against himself, and the stirring dark in the back of his mind.
In the face of corruption and wickedness, he cannot falter.
The blond exhales quietly, eyes lowering to the tea in front of him once more. ]
I know you speak truly. I will do what good I can, where I can. That is all I can do without endangering those I love.
[Anders nodded a bit and his eyes fell from Anduin like they were unworthy to stay there. He hated this. Hated the need for this conversation, hated the need to tell Anduin he had to choose between loud and angry and quiet and scheming. He hated that he felt like he'd just stepped on the fire in Anduin and told him to quell it no differently than Anders did his own. Anduin should be angry, he should be righteous and passionate and firm, he had every right to that.
And yet he felt those manacles on his wrists no differently than Cullen must have the morning Anders spat righteous anger in his face and the commander stared him down and told him to make a choice. The same Choice Cullen made, the same chains, the same decision. The people you help day-to-day, small rebellions to tide over until something larger, helping people who might not have help tomorrow? Or larger rebellions, larger fires that could whip back and burn those around you as well, would burn those around you. 'Of course they used your submissives against you, Anders' Cullen's words were a brand in the back of his mind and usually the first thing he reached to when that push to do more nearly choked him.
But maybe that was something he could do for Anduin that Cullen...likely felt he couldn't, not at that point in their tenuous relationship. He looked up again and reached out, palm up on the desk in front of Anduin.]
You have to make that choice, but that doesn't mean you have to carry it all on your own nor all the time, either. My door, literally or otherwise, is always open to you, whether it's to vent about the injustices, a need to find some small thing to do, or the need for a distraction for a bit. I'd sincerely and truly be more than happy to help you. [He shook his head a bit.] Even if it's not me, find people you can confide in, people who you trust to hold that anger and frustration for a few moments while you catch your breath. They're who will get you through this, far better than your own conviction, no matter how strong it may be.
[ Anyone else, and he might have accepted the offer, thanked Anders for his time, and been on his way.
But Anders had seen something few others here had. The mage had been witness to the truths his shadow drug to the surface during its time in his body. The things he refused to allow himself to consider but which lingered, growing clearer and stronger now that they'd had a taste. He'd been able to turn away at least one of those miscreants who'd meant Gilia harm, using the void.
If one truly wants to make the world a better place, it must be fought for. Some only understand the demand for justice when it is written in blood.
...you might already know that. Don't you?
He could leave it at that. Instead he meets Anders' gaze once more, unwavering but somewhat strained. ]
[He studied Anduin's face a moment, the strain, there...the unspoken shadow in his eyes. Something far too familiar, like that day he'd taken Anduin home with him.]
You fear what might come about in you because of it.
[What lengths maybe be reached when desperation and power and opportunity mixed and 'Maker, you're the only one who can do anything, no one is listening, no one is left-]
[ Silence follows. It isn't a question, after all. It's the quiet contemplation of where this path might lead, if he allows it.
But he can't allow it to. He can't let himself go down that path, even with the best of intentions. It's too easy to slip, to go further than he means, to start excusing more and more in the pursuit of what is just and right, and his history -- and likely Anders' as well -- is littered with examples of what happens then.
Anduin lets out a breath, eyes sliding shut for a brief moment. ]
It was not my intent to trouble you with this. I know what has to be done. The Light will not lead me astray.
[ He needs to...to pray. Perhaps that will help. ]
[No. No that is too familiar and he can't sit there and watch it.
He stands and moves to the other side of the desk to put his hands on Anduin's shoulders and regain his attention. He holds the gaze when he has the younger man's eyes matched to his.]
Please...for the love of the Maker-the Light- whichever...don't tell yourself your troubles are too much or not meant to be shared and certainly don't think I am not willing to share them.
I understand...and in the past, when I thought myself without anyone else to turn to, that was when I made my gravest mistakes...my gravest decisions. You are your own person and likely a better one, if I am entirely honest, but as long as I am here with you, you won't be alone in your corner. Don't....don't let the darker parts of you tell you otherwise.
[ It takes perhaps a moment longer than it should before his eyes lift to meet Anders'. He'd been advised before that his eyes could be too honest, and he's not sure Anders needs to see the anger and frustration roiling behind them in the moment.
But meet his gaze he does. And in the other's eyes he can see that deep well of concern, of regret, and it washes through him in a cool wave, a panacea all its own. Swallowing, Anduin nods and lifts a hand, gripping Anders' where it lay against his shoulder.
I'll be fine lingers on his tongue, but doesn't quite make it out. He's certain Anders wouldn't accept that as an answer anyway. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Though Anduin had witnessed hate, oppression, suspicion, and abuse...that was not the life he'd lived. Even as a prisoner of war, he'd not known a fraction of the horrors that others endured on a day-to-day basis. Only now has it become more than principle, but deeply personal.
He knows in his heart Anders speaks true. He must be better. He has to maintain this course no matter how difficult it proves, no matter how his spirit rallies against what he sees in front of him. The most vital battle must be against himself, and the stirring dark in the back of his mind.
In the face of corruption and wickedness, he cannot falter.
The blond exhales quietly, eyes lowering to the tea in front of him once more. ]
I know you speak truly. I will do what good I can, where I can. That is all I can do without endangering those I love.
no subject
And yet he felt those manacles on his wrists no differently than Cullen must have the morning Anders spat righteous anger in his face and the commander stared him down and told him to make a choice. The same Choice Cullen made, the same chains, the same decision. The people you help day-to-day, small rebellions to tide over until something larger, helping people who might not have help tomorrow? Or larger rebellions, larger fires that could whip back and burn those around you as well, would burn those around you. 'Of course they used your submissives against you, Anders' Cullen's words were a brand in the back of his mind and usually the first thing he reached to when that push to do more nearly choked him.
But maybe that was something he could do for Anduin that Cullen...likely felt he couldn't, not at that point in their tenuous relationship. He looked up again and reached out, palm up on the desk in front of Anduin.]
You have to make that choice, but that doesn't mean you have to carry it all on your own nor all the time, either. My door, literally or otherwise, is always open to you, whether it's to vent about the injustices, a need to find some small thing to do, or the need for a distraction for a bit. I'd sincerely and truly be more than happy to help you. [He shook his head a bit.] Even if it's not me, find people you can confide in, people who you trust to hold that anger and frustration for a few moments while you catch your breath. They're who will get you through this, far better than your own conviction, no matter how strong it may be.
no subject
But Anders had seen something few others here had. The mage had been witness to the truths his shadow drug to the surface during its time in his body. The things he refused to allow himself to consider but which lingered, growing clearer and stronger now that they'd had a taste. He'd been able to turn away at least one of those miscreants who'd meant Gilia harm, using the void.
If one truly wants to make the world a better place, it must be fought for. Some only understand the demand for justice when it is written in blood.
...you might already know that. Don't you?
He could leave it at that. Instead he meets Anders' gaze once more, unwavering but somewhat strained. ]
...it is not my lack of conviction I fear.
no subject
You fear what might come about in you because of it.
[What lengths maybe be reached when desperation and power and opportunity mixed and 'Maker, you're the only one who can do anything, no one is listening, no one is left-]
You fear what you may become.
[And where it would leave him after.]
no subject
But he can't allow it to. He can't let himself go down that path, even with the best of intentions. It's too easy to slip, to go further than he means, to start excusing more and more in the pursuit of what is just and right, and his history -- and likely Anders' as well -- is littered with examples of what happens then.
Anduin lets out a breath, eyes sliding shut for a brief moment. ]
It was not my intent to trouble you with this. I know what has to be done. The Light will not lead me astray.
[ He needs to...to pray. Perhaps that will help. ]
no subject
He stands and moves to the other side of the desk to put his hands on Anduin's shoulders and regain his attention. He holds the gaze when he has the younger man's eyes matched to his.]
Please...for the love of the Maker-the Light- whichever...don't tell yourself your troubles are too much or not meant to be shared and certainly don't think I am not willing to share them.
I understand...and in the past, when I thought myself without anyone else to turn to, that was when I made my gravest mistakes...my gravest decisions. You are your own person and likely a better one, if I am entirely honest, but as long as I am here with you, you won't be alone in your corner. Don't....don't let the darker parts of you tell you otherwise.
no subject
But meet his gaze he does. And in the other's eyes he can see that deep well of concern, of regret, and it washes through him in a cool wave, a panacea all its own. Swallowing, Anduin nods and lifts a hand, gripping Anders' where it lay against his shoulder.
I'll be fine lingers on his tongue, but doesn't quite make it out. He's certain Anders wouldn't accept that as an answer anyway. ]